The Art of Showing Up to a Play Party Solo
by Laura R.
A rundown of everything I wish I knew my first time.
From a certified sexologist, nonmonogamous relationship professional, and Lovely Fate’s Culture and Safety Director.
Before you do anything else, make sure you’ve read our Code of Conduct - inadvertently breaking the rules would be a tragic way to ruin the fun. Also know that when you arrive at a Lovely Fate party for the first time, you’ll be required to attend an orientation that covers our consent practices, activities available, performances, and even a quick venue layout so you know where to go and what to check out. But in the below I go deeper on what to expect and how to set yourself up for success.
Play parties can be magical - hot, connective, expansive - and they can also be a lot. It’s a sensory buffet. Even if you don’t participate in play, the voyeuristic experience of watching so many others all at once can send your nervous system into overdrive. Plan for that. Eat beforehand, hydrate. Know that at Lovely Fate we have designated areas where there is no play, that you can use to cool off and wind down.
It can be tempting to overconsume - alcohol, substances, or attention - especially if you’re nervous. Check in with yourself: How am I showing up? What energy am I bringing into the room? Being grounded, considerate, and aware does more for your erotic appeal than being sloppy or pushy ever could.
Some folks show up to a play party expecting - or even demanding - to get laid. Or they think these spaces are a free-for-all. But a strong sense of safety is actually one of the most effective aphrodisiacs in any good play space. A lot of the people at the party you’re showing up to know each other already - they built trust over time to cultivate community. Our members are very welcoming and friendly, but know that doesn’t mean they’ll feel ready to get down before they get to know you a little.
Maybe you do meet someone enticing and feel bold enough to ask if they want to play. But they decline. Respectfully and graciously accept their answer, and don’t prod them for a reason why not - or try again with them later. If they change their mind of their own accord, they can always come find you later. Bonus points for affirming their choice with the phrase: “Thank you for taking care of yourself.” This expresses respect and consideration. And increases odds they’ll have good things to say about you to other community members. You don’t always get to know why they didn’t feel inclined to play with you, and they don’t need to give you a reason. Don’t take it personally, just embrace the fact that they’ve made the choice that they need to at that moment.
Instead of setting the goal to play with someone new - or even achieve some of your wildest fantasies all in one night - think about the long game. You have the opportunity to make new friends, build trust, learn some exciting new things, and engage with some truly incredible people. If you show up tense, charged with angst and firmly fixed in your expectations - you might put people off. Instead, think about how to have a genuinely good time without immovable expectations.
And if you’re concerned about feeling awkward, uncomfortable, or left out, we have icebreaker games, group activities, and “Try It’s”. Try getting a massage to relax, get tied up, flogged, or even submit to a pro dom… Having an open, playful, adventurous attitude will go a long way towards helping you connect with yourself and with others. And you might just have a blast.
Laura Ramadei is the Culture and Safety Director for Lovely Fate Events. She’s also a certified sexologist and intimacy and relationship coach with specialization in nonmonogamy and kink. For support individually or in relationship, you can find her at intimacywithlaura.com. Mention Lovely Fate for 20% off your first three sessions. To find out more, go to intimacywithlaura.com.