Bringing a Date To a Play Party

by Laura R.

Whether attending with a friend or partner, here are a few things to consider and discuss.

From a certified sexologist, nonmonogamous relationship professional, and Lovely Fate’s Culture and Safety Director. 

Before you do anything else, make sure you’ve read our Code of Conduct - inadvertently breaking the rules would be a tragic way to ruin the fun. Also know that when you arrive at a Lovely Fate party for the first time, you’ll be required to attend an orientation that covers our consent practices, activities available, performances, and even a quick venue layout so you know where to go and what to check out. But in the below I go deeper on what to expect and how to set yourself up for success. 

Play parties can be magical - hot, connective, expansive - and they can also be a lot. It’s a sensory buffet. Even if you don’t participate in play, the voyeuristic experience of watching so many others all at once can send your nervous system into overdrive. Plan for that. Eat beforehand, hydrate. Know that at Lovely Fate we have designated areas where there is no play, that you can use to cool off and wind down. 

It can be tempting to overconsume - alcohol, substances, or attention - especially if you’re nervous. Check in with yourself: How am I showing up? What energy am I bringing into the room? Being grounded, considerate, and aware does more for your erotic appeal than being sloppy or pushy ever could.

Other quick and dirty practical prep: pick an outfit that fits the theme but feels great. The hottest thing you can wear is comfort in your own skin. Skip the strong perfume or cologne as you’re going to be in close quarters. And for the love of your feet, wear comfortable shoes. 

And if you’re attending with someone else - a friend or partner - keep reading! It’s important to anticipate your dynamic together. Attending a play party with someone else can be hugely comforting and grounding when you’re with someone you trust. And it’s often an opportunity to get to know each other on a whole new level. You’ll enhance your experience if you have clear expectations, shared understanding, and you both feel safe and on the same page.  

Without talking about expectations, you could be making assumptions and then stumble into uncomfortable surprises. It might not feel great, for example, to go to a party with a buddy but then feel abandoned when they meet someone else and go off to play without you.

And attending with a partner and exploring aspects of your relationship in a new way - even just the new possibility of having sex in front of other people - can be a lot to navigate. Don’t skip the details when you talk about the hypotheticals. When you share concerns, get specific so that your partner can understand and anticipate your needs and boundaries too. Jealousy, insecurity, excitement - or any kind of surprise feelings - are not failures. They’re information. Talk about how to handle these things if something comes up. Prioritize care over pushing through. 

Before the party, talk to your plus one:

Are we open to playing together at the party, if that feels good in the moment? 

Are we open to playing with other people - together or separately? Any boundaries to consider ahead of playing with others? 

How do we want to check in with each other if someone invites us to play? 

Do we want to stick together the whole time, or do our own thing? 

Do we need a safe word or signal for uncomfortable situations?

A play party isn’t a test. It’s an environment. You get to explore it at your own pace, in your own way, with your own boundaries intact.

If you and your partner are just beginning to open things up - or even just beginning to talk about nonmonogamy in its various forms - know that you don’t have to figure it all out alone. These experiences can surface big feelings, old patterns, and tender questions about trust, desire, and attachment. Support with and for each other can make the difference between something that feels overwhelming and something bonding and deeply connective.

Laura Ramadei is the Culture and Safety Director for Lovely Fate Events. She’s also a certified sexologist and intimacy and relationship coach with specialization in nonmonogamy and kink. For support individually or in relationship, you can find her at intimacywithlaura.com. Mention Lovely Fate for 20% off your first three sessions.